I don’t even know what to do anymore. This shit consumes me, and might even kill me but I don’t even know. I’m getting to that point where I’m starting to believe that living like this isn’t worth it. Like is this going to be my life forever? Will I really have to live like this. It’s like a…
I completely lost it at work today. I am always really triggered when I am there because of being surrounded by food that is available to me. I was supposed to be done by 12 and I was counting down the minutes until I could get the hell out. In the back of my mind I was constantly considering smuggling food into my bag that I could devour as soon as I was done my shift, but I kept restaining myself. At one point I literally stared at the packets of peanut butter with my hands shaking. I forced myself to go do dishes and felt tomented by the overwhelming feeling that I needed to eat, and eat, and eat NOW. I was not happy; I felt like a 2 year old who had just had her favourite toy taken away, grumpy and miserable. Normally I would have started frantically hoarding food, but I kept telling myself I only had to make it until 12 and then I could go straight to the dance studio (even though the majority of me wanted to make my usual stop at the nearby grocery store for more binge food instead). Even though I absolutely LOVE dance, I could not convince myself that anything would be better than food. Once 12 o’clock hit, I asked to stay a bit longer to wait for the group to finish their lunch and clear their plates and bring in the food from their buffet. At that point I was the only one left working so I was alone in the kitchen with nothing I was expected to do until the people finished. I panicked. I was having a hard enough time as it was (I was only 70% sure I was actually going to follow through and just go to the studio rather than the grocery store), but now I had absolutely perfect opportunity to binge, especially knowing my shift was almost over so I wouldn’t even have to sneak away to purge. This was not what I wanted though. I started to hyperventilate. Even though the compulsion was so strong, I knew I didn’t want it. I felt as though I could burst from the conflict inside me. I locked myself in the storage room and broke down completely. It was not enjoyable in the slightest BUT I didn’t end up binge/purging and I was able to spend the afternoon dancing (the urge went away as soon as I started). So I guess in the end of the whole story it was a good thing?
Sometimes when I’m binging, I don’t want to stop but I can’t think of any food that would be good enough.
Every time I’m tempted to binge/purge I try to remind myself about how much I hate purging and how I will feel after, and I think about all that I want to accomplish in the rest of the day that I will need all my energy for. Yet for some reason none of that seems to matter until it’s actually time to purge and I’m like damnit I really don’t want to do this, I should’ve done this, this, this to prevent it. And then I really start to hate myself; especially on days like today when I end up so nauseous and dizzy after that I have to cancel dance practice. Dance is 90437629075907520963726 times more important to me than my eating disorder and yet I keep letting my ED come first. I keep risking not being able to dance for my ED, and that just makes me hate it even more. Well mostly I hate myself because the same thing happens every time. I get the urge to binge/purge, I weigh the pros and cons, I recognize that I do NOT want to deal with the cons, but I convicne myself that I will be perfectly fine and dandy after, I start binging then halfway through realize what I’m doing and what I’ll have to do (purge, ick), hate myself, get so full I feel dizzy but dread going to purge so frantically find more food, almost pass out, start purging, want desperately for it to be over with, never want to ever purge ever in my life ever again, finish purging, panic that I didn’t purge fast enough and too many calories were absorbed, feel like the most despicable person on the planet, struggle to make it through the rest of the day because I’m barely functional, look back and realize absolutely none of that was worth it. And yet I still do it. Why is all the awfulness afterwards not enough to stop me from the binge?
I seriously miss the good ol’ days of trick or treating and digging into my massive collection of candies as soon as I got home (and I mean DIGGING into), not giving a single care in the world for how many calories were in them, how unhealthy they were, how many (if any) I was allowed. It was pure heaven, I mean how freaking exciting is it to have a ton of free candy given to you?! My biggest worries were if I wasted stomach space on a mediocre candy and whether my brother got more Reese’s peanut butter cups than me. I miss that. I can’t even comprehend eating a single bite of a candy bar at the current moment.
You are so good to me.
You make me so very happy.
You warm me when I’m about to freeze,
and give me lots of energy.
Black, White, herbal, Green,
and all the choices in between!
You are so much better than coffee
(in my mind at the very least).
A perfect brew made in harmony,
will ensure my happiness is achieved.
I wait ever so impatiently
as the water and leaves begin to steep.
Whether made from a bag or loose leaf,
one cup is all that I need.
What would I do without thee?
christ, i relate to this so much…although, at the same time, i want to stop bingeing more than anything. i want the urges to go away. i want my desire for it and cravings to go away. if i could stop bingeing, most of the purging would go away too.
AGREED! It’s those damn urges… they’re so strong. I feel like an addict. I AM an addict, and I hate it. It’s all I can think about sometimes. I just hate how my hunger/satiety cues are all messed up now too. I always feel like I can just eat and eat endlessly.
Anonymous said: can i talk to you about ed?
Of course!! I am more than happy to talk. Never hesitate to message me :)
I think the biggest reason I don’t want to give up binging/purging is that it allows me to eat.
If I’m not planning to purge, there are only a select few foods I actually feel I’m allowed to eat. I know this is keeping me stuck; that I need to give permission to eat certain foods so that I’m not tempted to binge on them. But I’m so used to binging on them that I don’t think I would be able to eat them in normal amounts, and quite frankly I don’t want to. I like binging on them and I’m not really that interested in having them as part of my regular diet (ED reasons aside… I think).
I’m just not sure what to do because I hate purging but I love binging. I want to get better but I don’t want to give up my binges.
Today I witnessed someone be hit by a car. She was taken away by an ambulance, and I am hoping and praying for the best for her, but it looked pretty grim (I will spare details).
I’m still shaken from it. Just like that her life is gone. She was running across the street to catch a bus (I presume). She had somewhere she had to be, people waiting for her and now none of it matters.
Life is so fragile. But that’s what makes it so precious. Even though sometimes (actually even a lot of times) it is a struggle, at least we are part of the miracle of being alive. I used to not recognize this. I used to not care if I died. Not that I necessarily wanted to (although some nights I did), I just really didn’t care whether I lived or not. But I know now more than ever that life IS wonderful and it is meant to be cherished, each and every single day. Good and bad. There is nothing but right now so we better enjoy it!!